The following text is a true story as related by "H" of her relationship with a Bipolar man, "R", who could not see or accept his mental illness. I asked her if she would be comfortable in sharing this story, with measures to protect their personal identities, in a way that it may benefit other people dealing with the same issues. R's beliefs and circumstances are not unique. Many Bipolars go through the same thing and make similar decisions with similar results.
It's a bit long, but worth the read to people that find themselves in either the position of R or H; at least for perspective.
H is sharing this story in the hopes that it will inspire others to actively fight their mental illness, work closer with their loved ones, and avoid further tragedies. It demonstrates the way unwell thinking escalates over a long period of time and the result if something is not done about it. It also clearly demonstrates the benefits of a Bipolar person actually listening to their well loved ones; assuming the person is able to accept that they are mentally ill.
Bipolar Disorder does not get better with age. It only gets worse. The National Institute of Mental Health states that one in five Bipolars will end up committing suicide. R is one that lost that battle.
He committed suicide on June 10th, 2014. Rest in peace.
Ignoring mental illness will not make it go away. We have to fight it with our own strength, the help of loved ones, and medical professionals. We have to help one another as best we can, if we can.
This work may not be reproduced in part or entirety for profit. People are encouraged to reproduce or share it with others who may benefit from it. Any electronic reproduction should include a link to the original work and an email to email@example.com including a link to where it is being used.
The following piece is the sole, intellectual property of H, and is used with her permission by me, Dennis of bipolarmanifesto.com.
I did conduct some minor editing to improve readability; but the majority are H's words.
--Type 2 Bipolar, High Functioning Autistic; Webmaster
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I met R in May 2013 through an online dating site. I had never used online dating before so I was nervous about meeting him. He was working in my town one day so we decided to meet. I figured a public place was safe. We talked for a while shook hands and I went on my way. It was never intended to be a date, just a quick meeting. I liked him but I still was not sure. We continued to text and talk on the phone but I really didn't know what to do.
In early June he invited me for lunch. I think he knew I was nervous. We met at a picnic table in the center of town. Right out in the open. I remember walking over to the table. He stood up and walked over to me. He had put a folded blanket on the bench where I should sit. I thought that was really nice.
It started to rain so we went and sat in my truck where we talked for quite a while. Unfortunately, I had to go back to work so we said goodbye. Initially, we weren't able to meet again but we were able to eventually meet for coffee or lunch and we would text and talk. This went on for months.
In mid September I had knee surgery. He had offered to come with me and I declined. That same night, he showed up at my house with a walker. I thought that was so funny. I didn't need it but it was very thoughtful of him. He stayed for a while but had to get home to put his dad to bed. R had been taking care of his elderly father for years. We started spending more time together. I was unable to drive for a short time. R would come pick me up and take me out. Nowhere special. We would just go for a ride or to the mall. There was still nothing going on between us but he kept coming back. We went on our first "real" date in late September.
I drove to his house though he lived in another state. I wanted us to go in my truck, I wanted to drive. He reluctantly agreed. He had to take me to this place that served NY style hot dogs. We ate and drove to the beach. It was a long ride so we had good conversation. Now, I wish I could remember every word he said. We bought fried dough..a whole dozen!! There was only a few places open since it was so late in the year.
When we stopped to sit on a bench, he asked me to sit on his lap. I did and then.......a seagull crapped on him! I jumped up! I felt so bad because he was embarrassed. He later told me that he was going to kiss me at that moment. We drove back to his house. He wanted me to come in and meet his parents. I did. They were nice. His dad had Alzheimer's but he still seemed to be doing okay. R walked me back out to my truck. I knew he wanted to kiss me but I didn't want to. I also didn't want him to be uncomfortable. It was just an awkward moment. I don't think I saw R again for a little while, but we continued to talk and text.
In October, I decided that I was going to get my own apartment. My daughter and my grandson were living with me and I just needed my own space. Ironically, the apartment downstairs became available. I would be close to my daughter and grandson but still have my own space. Perfect! The apartment had to be totally gutted. R would offer to come over and help but I would not let him. I didn't want him to see it until it was totally finished. When it was done, I invited him over.
This is where everything began to move very quickly for us. Up until now I still had never kissed R or anything. I can still remember our first kiss. It was a quick one and he laughed at me. We started spending all of our time together. As much as possible. I worked all the time and R was in school, working, taking care of his dad, and making time for me. He would come to my house after he put his dad to bed almost every night. He would have to leave around 4 am in order to get home before his dad got up. R was very outgoing. He always wanted to try something new. We often talked about what we would do over the summer. It was getting close to Christmas now and snowing a lot.
R and I were so much in love by now and I hated being away from him. He became my world. I know that he felt the same. He would always tell me how much he loved me. I would tell him that in his arms was where I belonged. It was my favorite place to be. R would say that being cheek to cheek with me was his favorite place. I loved him so much. He was always happy and could always find the good in any situation. Probably the most positive person I had ever met. The holidays came and went. Our love for each other grew everyday. It was almost like a dream to me. He treated me like I was the only girl alive. He was the best thing that had happened to me in a very long time. I had never been happier and I know he felt the same.
In January R's dad started failing. I would often go to his house with him. His dad was needing more care but still holding his own. I could see that R was tired and he would need to just stay home some nights.
Valentine's Day was approaching. R was excited, as was I. We had already talked about possibly getting married and living together. We knew this could not happen due to his dad being so sick but I still loved the idea of it all. R's dad began to to get worse and I knew his time was limited. R was not dealing with this well at all. Of course he would make light of it somehow but I knew he was hurting. I would try to help with his dad as much as I could without overstepping any boundaries. He had stopped eating and drinking. R's whole family pulled together to help. It was nice to see that.
R came over the Wednesday before Valentine's Day. I remember, it was a snow storm. He wanted to talk. He said he had some things to tell me that he thought might be a "game changer" as he put it. I was afraid of what he might say. We stayed at my house for a while and we talked about his daughter. He didn't see her and I never knew why. I knew it was her mother not allowing him to but I guess I just figured she was a jerk. When I would ask R he would not want to talk about.
So, he told me something that I was totally shocked at. I cannot say what it was but it was scary. However, I could not see him actually saying what he was accused of saying. Never...it was a violent statement that he was accused of saying to his daughter. That was not the R I knew. it was said sometime throughout his divorce I guess. The way he put it to me was that his ex wife wanted to make sure he couldn't see his daughter so she "put a nail in the coffin" ...he would not be able to see her and had a restraining order against him. None of this made sense to me. R did not have a mean bone in his body. He wanted to eat so we went out to dinner, but there was more. R told me he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder around 2000- but said he didn't have it.
He went on to tell me that he had been on meds but didn't like them and he had been fine since. I listened carefully as he went on and on to tell me that people with Bipolar are stereotyped and if anyone found out that he had that diagnosis he would never work again. He worked with the public and mental illness is not acceptable.
I never said a word. When he finished, I didn't miss a beat. I told him I loved him and I would take it as it comes. I still wanted to move forward. He did tell me that the worst that would happen is I would find him on the couch one day not wanting to move. But that would be the extent of it. We finished eating and he brought me home. He needed to leave.
I assured him that I had no problem with what he told me and everything was fine. He brought me home and I didn't see him again that night. On Valentine's Day he was suppose to come to my house but his dad was too sick and he didn't want to be far away. I went to his house and we exchanged gifts. I didn't know what to get him so I just got a really mushy card and a stuffed bear. I also got him a giant card, it was huge. He was so happy.
He said that nobody ever gave him a card that big before or a stuffed animal. R got me a ring and a card. It was my birthstone. I was so excited I could barely contain myself!! I asked him to put it on me. I was so happy! We went out to dinner and talked more about moving in together. He knew at this time that his dad was probably only going to be here another week or so. We decided that after he passed he would move in with me under the condition that his mom was okay. We sat at the table in the restaurant for a long time talking. I remember feeling like I could not get close enough to him. I wanted to stay in his arms forever. We could not be together that night. I went home.
He was all I could think about that night. I missed him already. I sent him a text as always...it always said the same thing.....Goodnight, sleep well....I love you, forever and back again. Sunday came and again I went to see him. We were going to church at six as usual. He seemed a little strange but not a big deal. We went to mass and then went back to his house. I tried to get his dad to drink something. It took a really long time but I did get him to drink two cups that night which pleased R's mom.
When it was time for me to go R asked me to come sit on the couch with him for a minute. He said that the following weekend we were going to have a get together with his brothers and sisters. We were going to go bowling. He said that he wanted to welcome me to the family. I thought that was great but he knew how I felt about being around too many people. He has a huge family. Still, I said that was fine and I thought it would be fun. This was the last moment that I was with R under normal circumstances.
He walked me to my truck and got in the passenger's side. We kissed and hugged. I told him how much I hated being away from him and I didn't want to leave. Then it happened....something went wrong with R. He looked at me and said..grow up. My heart sank. He would never say anything like that. Not one time did he ever speak to me out of school. I did not know how to respond. I apologized and we said goodnight.
My mind was racing. Why did he say that? I tried to let it go but I couldn't. I got a text from him thanking me for helping with his dad. He was grateful that his dad got at least fluid in him. I felt a little better. When I got home I texted to let him know I was there, as always. I sent my usual text....goodnight, sleep well...I love you, forever and back again. This time, I did not get a response. I continued texting for a little bit with no reply. I thought maybe his dad had passed, but could not understand why he wouldn't tell me.
I went to bed but did not really sleep well. I kept getting up to check my phone for a text from R. Nothing. Morning came and still nothing. He always texted by 7:30am without fail. It was almost 8 by now. Finally, I got a text that said he was going to the gym and he would talk to me later. No I love you. That was odd. I knew something was wrong- but what? I asked if his dad was okay. He said he was and that was it.
I was so upset. I couldn't even imagine what was going on. Around noon, R sent me a message asking me to bring him his tie that he left in my truck. I asked if he needed it now and he said yes. I asked if he was angry with me for something and his response was...I don't have time to be angry. I said I was on my way. It took about 40 minutes to get there. I was crying. I didn't know what to think but I knew it couldn't possibly be good.
I arrived at his house and he came outside. He got in the truck. He handed me the key to my house and $21. He said that I am obnoxious and disrespectful and he's done. I was in shock. How could this man who says he loves me so much talk like that? I asked what he was talking about. He said that I had the answer and I knew. I couldn't even imagine what he meant. I cried and cried the whole way home. I was out of my mind trying to come up with an answer. I called out of work for the rest of the day. I couldn't function. Later that afternoon I decided to text him to ask what I did. Why was he doing this? He responded with an answer I couldn't even comprehend. He was quoting George Washington and talking crazy. I was so hurt and had no idea what I did. The next couple days were hell. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't be without him.
I texted all the time and he would always respond with something off the wall. It took me a few days to finally come up with something. It was the Bipolar. It had to be. Nothing else made sense. I decided to call one of his sisters. I had met her a few times. I looked her up on the internet, left her a message, and prayed for a reply.
Around 7pm she finally called me back. I explained to her what was going on. I told her that R had mentioned that he was diagnosed with Bipolar. She kind of denied it at first but I told her I was concerned for his well being and how do I help. She said there is nothing I can do. R will not get help. She said she knows he loves me but the craziness gets in the way. She actually told me to stay away from him. He will continue to hurt me. She said not to answer his text messages or phone calls. If he comes to my house I need to call the police and tell them he is off his meds and he is Bipolar. She said to tell them he needs to be taken to a mental health facility.
I felt a little better knowing it was the Bipolar and not me. Now, I was on a mission. I had to get him to come back from this craziness. I needed him to be okay. I missed him so much. The texting continued. He would never call me. It was all nonsense and I was getting nowhere with him. He blamed me, but could never say what I actually did. I finally started doing research.
By this time his dad had passed. R texted me to tell me. I tried talking to him about it but the conversation quickly went south. I was not sure whether or not to go to the funeral. I didn't want to send him in the wrong direction by seeing me. I ended up sending a mass card.
R asked to see me shortly after his dad passed. He asked me to come to his house and we were going to go out to the mall. Ironically, R's sister called me just as I was walking out the door to leave. I told her what I was doing. She begged me not to go. She said he is not okay. I refused to listen. I had to see him.
Then R called me for the first time in weeks. He said something crazy on the phone but I blew it off. I arrived at his home around 8 pm. He looked great! I was so happy to see him. I hugged him so tight and I couldn't stop crying. I felt like that made him uncomfortable. We sat in the truck in the driveway for a long time talking. He apologized but still insisted that it was me. I apologized not even knowing for what. I thought we were going to be okay now and I didn't even care. I would have said anything.
We went to the mall. The only thing I noticed different is that is was sweating a lot. We had a good evening together and talked in the truck after I brought him home. We had made plans to go to 11 am mass near my house. He was going to meet me at church. I told him I loved him and he said it too. I was so excited and happy beyond words. I couldn't wait to see him in the morning.
Morning came and I received a call from R. He said he is not going to church and I should go without him because something amazing was going to happen. I knew at this point that he was not okay. He said he would call me later. I did go to church and texted him when I got home. He said he had to talk to me but it would have to be at 4 pm. I felt sick all day. I knew what was coming.
Eventually, he sent a message saying he couldn't see me again. He said he had to fix things with his daughter and could not be in a relationship. It was crazy and didn't make sense, but what could I do? I left it alone. I did decide that I needed to contact someone else, so I sent the other two sisters private messages on a social media site. I explained that I was concerned for R and I didn't know what to do. He was not listening to anything I said. I begged them to respond to me. Unfortunately, they never did.
I continued doing research. R would text at least every other day. The messages just got crazier. With the information I had collected, I decided to lay it all out on the table. I had never actually said "bipolar" to R. I would just say that I knew something was wrong and he needed to talk to someone.
So, I sent R a detailed text message. He would not answer if I called...only text messaging. I told him that I knew this was the Bipolar. I wanted him to get help and he did not have to do it alone. I told him it was nothing to be ashamed of and I was behind him 250%. I would never judge him. I loved him more than he would ever know. The message was long and I didn't know how he was going to respond. I was scared.
When he answered me, he was not happy. He said he could not believe that I was pulling the Bipolar card- that I was just like others. He said he didn't expect that from me. Then he said that only his enemies think he has Bipolar. I went round and round with him that night begging and pleading with him. It was hopeless. He couldn't hear me.
I called the sister that I had spoken to previously. I told her what happened. She again told me to stay away. I asked if she thought he would hurt himself and she said she didn't know. R does not want help and you can't make him. Then she asked me if there was anyway I could get him to a doctor. I said no because he wont see me and is now upset due to our last conversation. She did tell me that R was leaving the house very early in the morning and not returning until after 10 pm. I knew he took alot of classes this semester but class was 3 days a week and he was not working much at this time. I knew he was definitely going to class and the gym because he would sometimes talk about school and going to the gym everyday because he wanted to get to his goal weight by summer.
His sister was very clear with me that I was never to tell R we had spoke. She said he will become paranoid if I do. I said I wouldn't and I never did. My hands were tied. I felt like he was just going in circles and would never come out of this. The crazy messages continued and I would keep trying to make him hear me. Now he wanted the ring back that he got me on Valentine's Day and anything else he had bought me. I refused.
He was persistent with that so I eventually agreed to send him just the ring. I sent it out on March 19th. I told him I did so. He began sending me emails with pictures that we had taken telling me they do not belong to him. He was totally off the wall but I would always respond trying to tell him that what he was thinking is incorrect. That I loved him and needed him to get better. He always responded but never acknowledge what I had said.
He was still looking for an apology from me for Valentine's Day weekend. Even though I had apologized for no reason.. I would try to make him tell me exactly what I had done. He could never come up with anything except that my behavior was deplorable. It killed me every time he said that. I never once had disrespected him. He treated me like a queen. It just didn't happen.
In about April, I had been asking R why he had not picked up the ring. I had sent it so it required a signature from him. They had left the notes on his door but he never went to pick it up. The post office ended up sending it back to me. I let R know that I had sent the ring back. He did not respond.
After a few days, I was at work when I missed a call from R. I checked my messages. He had said that he was working in my town that day and if I had anything that I wanted to return to him that he would leave his car door open. I was reluctant to do so but I figured I better just give everything back. I went home and got most of it. I did keep the jacket he got me but returned everything else. I sent a message to tell him it was in his car.
The next day he called again. He wanted to see me. We made plans for the next weekend. He said he had a surprise for me. I was so happy he wanted to see me. I couldn't wait. We talked and texted throughout the week and I met him on Sunday. He got out of the car and I was shocked! He had lost probably 45 lbs. He looked great!
Then I remember thinking....oh my god....hes manic. He was going to the gym twice a day he later confessed. He wanted to do fifty different things that day. I just went with it. He was talking fine. He told me that he loved me and he always will. He said he wanted us to date but to be able to date other people. I said no. I wanted him and nobody else.
He said he felt bad because he was the only person I dated from the dating site. Maybe there was someone else out there. We drove, we talked about this summer. He wanted to get a spot at a camp site. We drove to the beach and walked in the sand holding hands. We laid in the sand and just held each other like we used to. It was the best feeling!!! Could he really be okay? We took some pictures. Thank god, I still have one. He took a picture of us. He said...cheek to cheek please!! It was so cold on the beach but I didn't care. I was just happy to be with him.
We went to dinner. There was a bluegrass band playing and he commented that we should dance. I was mortified. Dance to bluegrass?? He took my hand and we were on the dance floor, just he and I. I couldn't believe I was dancing to bluegrass. I have to say, we did a pretty good job. He then drove me back to my truck. He said we made memories that day. He always said that.
This was too good to be true and I knew it. He called me the next day and said we couldn't see each other because he wanted more children and I didn't. By now, I was not surprised at what he said. I said I understood. But I was so mad I hung up on him. I decided that I had to do something. I was going crazy trying to get through to him.
I started dating someone else. Although my heart was with R, I had to attempt to move forward. I felt like I was on a roller coaster with him. We continued to text and talk. I never told him I had been seeing someone. I knew this other person was just kind of taking up my time. Easter was approaching and I received a call from R. He wanted to meet me in 20 min down the street from my house. Of course I was there in a second. He was sitting at the picnic table outside the pizza place. He had a drink for me and a plant.
He knows I drink Diet Mountain Dew and was always trying to get me to drink water. I wouldn't listen. He wanted to say Happy Easter. We talked for about 20 min. He walked me to my car, we hugged and kissed. I left and I got a call from him. He said there was something inside the wrapper of the plant for me. I said I was going to look. He said no....he wanted me to wait until Easter. I said I wouldn't and he hung up on me. R had bought me a bracelet for Christmas and had it engraved with both of our names. I had given that back to him with the things I left in his car. When I took the wrapper off the plant, that's what I found inside...the bracelet. I immediately called him. What does this mean? I thanked him for giving it back. He knew that it meant a lot to me. He seemed okay at this point. Still a few crazy messages here and there but to me, it wasn't a big deal.
He never really said what it meant. I could tell that he was embarrassed and I'm not sure why. He knew better than to feel like that with me. We still texted and talked for a little while but I had not seen him. At some point, R decided to tell me that he did not want me to call him R anymore. He wanted me to call him M. I said I would not do that. He said if I loved him I would. I said no and he did not like that. I asked him why? He said it would be like a new start. I just blew it off. I wasn't going to do it anyway. However, I knew that he was not okay.
I was still seeing the other guy but that was headed nowhere and R was always on my mind. Now it's the end of April and he comes back again. My daughter had been in an accident in my truck and I needed to drop it off at the auto body shop. I had been talking to R telling him that I had to drop it off and get a rental. He wanted to apply for a job near me so he said he would follow me and give me a ride. Also, I could show him the place he was looking for so he could drop a resume off. He picked me up and we went to drop his resume off.
He asked me to look at it. He had listed his address on his resume as mine. I was confused and didn't know what I was supposed to say. He was acting a little strange but I guess I was pretending he was okay. We stayed together most of the day. Then he brought me home because I couldn't get the rental until the next day. R said he wanted to go to the gym but he would come back and we would go to dinner.
I waited for him and he finally called. He said he was on his way but he needed to take a shower. He asked if my daughter was in her upstairs apartment. I said yes, why? He said he was going to take a shower in her house not mine. That was the craziest thing I had heard. I said it was ridiculous and I didn't understand. He said he was trying to prove a point. I had no idea what that meant.
I was not sure what he would do but I told her he was coming to shower at her house. I told her I didn't know why but I was so angry. My daughter knew R very well and liked him. My grandson loved to play with him. I was sure he wouldn't hurt anyone so he showered and we got in the car to go. I asked him what that was all about. He said he will never enter my house again.
He had not been inside since we split up in February. I asked why? He was reluctant to answer me. We were at the restaurant. He then said...do you really want to know? Of course I want to know. I almost held my breath waiting for him to speak...I just knew it would be off the wall. He then said....You leave your doors unlocked and I know that someone was in your house video taping us while we were having sex. Again, I didn't miss a beat. I just simply looked at him and said, R, you know that thought is incorrect don't you? That did not happen R. He said he knew it was crazy but he knows that it happened.
I tried to convince him that his thinking was off. But as usual, he couldn't hear me. He had some kind of reasoning behind it that made no sense at all. We finished eating and left. I told him in the car that I was not sure how he expected us to be together if he would not come in my house. He said he didn't know. He dropped me off...I told him that I loved him and he responded with I love you but I don't know about us.
I didn't know what to say. I guess I just got out of the car. I sent him my usual text later that night. Goodnight, sleep well...I love you..forever and back again. Again, he drifted for a bit but we still texted. Most of it was incorrect thinking and I went round and round again about him getting help. I had not seen him for a little while and Mother's Day was approaching. He called and said he wanted to see me. I was still seeing the other guy but, again I didn't care. I always had a false hope that R would just magically be okay. He came over a couple days before Mother's Day. I heard him pull up.
When he got out of his car he was whistling when he came in. I was shocked. I truly thought he would not come in my house again. He was dressed in jeans, new shoes, and a dress shirt. He gave me a hug. I told him how nice he looked. He thanked me then proceeded to take a cigarette out of my pack and went out the door. I said...what the hell are you doing? R does not smoke and actually hated the fact that I did.
I followed him. What are you doing R? You don't smoke. He said...cut it out...you know I smoke. I said ...stop it! That's ridiculous! He then said...you really didn't know that I smoke? No R! because you don't smoke. His reply was ....Boy! I had you fooled! I didn't know what to say so I went in the house. At this point I know he is way off base and I was actually a little nervous.
He came in and we started talking. He asked me what I thought about him moving in. I didn't know what to say. I said I would have to think about it. He did not like my response. He got off the subject and asked me if I knew where to get pot. What!!!! I don't smoke that and he knows that. Neither does he. I said...what is going on R? This is not you. He said nothing.
I didn't know if he was just giving me a hard time or was he serious? The conversation went south at that point. He asked how much can you have on you without getting in trouble? I asked him to please stop. This was crazy. He then walks into the living room and sits on the couch. As I mentioned before R and I went to church every Sunday. We are both Catholic. I have a book on my end table that's titled.. "Why Catholics Can't Sing". R picked up the book, put it on the coffee table then slammed his feet on it and said...who gives a F... about Catholics.
I almost fell over. R is much more religious than I. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I just looked at him and he knew I didn't like what he said. I changed the subject. We talked for quite a while. Again, he was looking for an apology for Valentine's Day weekend. I tried to talk to him about getting help but he insisted that nothing was wrong. He was acting so erratic and I didn't want him to get angry.
We went to the store together and talked in the parking lot. He told me that he wanted us to be together and he loved me. He said that maybe he is crazy but its nothing that bad. I said that if he would talk to someone at the very least I would be with him 100%. He said he did not need help. He told me that he always loved me and thought about me all the time. I said it was the same for me. My love for him never changed. I asked if he could promise me that if I did something or said something that he didn't like, would he be able to speak to me about it before just walking out on me. He said he could not promise that.
I did know that was not a realistic question. I know he is not in control. I shouldn't have said that. I knew he wanted us together and I did as well...more than anything. But I didn't even know who he was right now. Some moments he was fine and others he was not. I felt like his mind was racing and he couldn't stop it. We went back to my house.
He was hanging out with my daughter for about an hour while I did some laundry and cleaned up a little. She went home and we sat on the couch just holding each other. It was so nice to be close to him. I always felt so much love coming from him...even when he was not well. We eventually found our way to the bedroom and we were intimate. I wanted him to stay the night. We talked again...I really wanted to be with him. I wanted our life back. We were so close and loved each other so much.
I knew he was not okay though. I fell asleep at some point. When I woke up, he was not there. I was upset. I thought a lot about us that day. I told the other person I could not see him that day. I felt like such a sleezeball. But R had my heart and that is where I belonged..with R. We were texting as usual and he came again very early on Mother's Day.
I was at work but my door was open. He called and asked when I was coming home. He had left something for me on the kitchen table. I said I would be home in 15 min. I arrived at home and he was there in just a few minutes. He was talking crazy but he stayed with me for the day. We played with my grandson in the yard while R took pictures. I thought we had a good day but he thought differently.
Apparently, I did not respond to him as he would have liked. He said that he didn't feel like I wanted to be with him. That was not true. I did more than anything but I was afraid of how he was acting. I told him that our relationship was compromised and it would take some work. He agreed. I again addressed the Bipolar...without saying bipolar. He said he did not need help. He said I needed to give him an answer by the next day, if we were going to be together or not. I followed him as he got up to leave.
I tried to hug him and he wouldn't let me. I begged him...please. But he just shook my hand and left. This would be the last time I saw R. We continued texting and I never said anything about giving him an answer. I just knew I couldn't if he wouldn't get help. I continued to see that other guy, but I'm not sure why.
R's messages got crazier but I would still try to redirect him to reality. Then I made a huge mistake. I posted a picture of the other guy and I on a social media site and R had seen it. Now, I feel like I shouldn't have done that. R sent me messages up until June 3rd. After that he would not respond.
I would text over and over with no response. If I had known what was coming next I would have changed everything I had done. I received a message from R's sister on June 11th stating that she hates to give me the very sad news but R had passed away the night before. I could not believe what I was reading. How could this be? There must be some mistake!!! NO!!! GOD please don't let this be true!!! I asked her to call me. His sister said they thought maybe an aneurysm. We talked for a bit. I told her to please know that I loved R very much.
Before she hung up she said this...do you think R was capable of taking his own life? My heart sank....I replied...in an unwell moment, maybe. I felt lost. I had to do something, but what? I have replayed everything in my mind a thousand times. I found out on the 15th after his funeral that R did in fact take his own life. I am sick.
I cant comprehend this still and he has been gone 12 days. I go over every conversation, every text message. What should I have done differently? I know I could have stopped this. I am so sad. He is all I think about. Why didn't he tell me he was in a bad place? He knew I was here for him. I never stopped loving him. I have so many regrets and so much guilt. How do I keep going if I can never speak to him again, see him....nothing. He's gone. I hate myself for putting that picture up.
Was that the last straw for him? I don't know. I'll never know. R took a piece of me with him the day he died. I will never be the same person. It kills me to think how much pain he must have been in. How alone and hopeless he must have felt. I wish I could have taken away all of his pain. I would have kept it myself. I am broken. He was my world and I hope he can see that now. If anyone reading this can take one thing away from this sad story ....PLEASE...do not ignore mental illness. It does not go away and can not be brushed under the rug.
I know R would be happy I did this. He was always wanting to help others. So if you can see R...this is for you, my love. Goodbye, Sleep well....I love you..forever and back again.