Type 1 and Type 2

Sometimes I think being a Type 1 Bipolar would be better than a Type 2. That is not to take anything away from the seriousness and the impact of it. I’ve often heard Type 2 described as the milder version of the two because one does not ramp so high into mania. I find it hard to see it that way. I can’t really see either as being more mild than the other when it comes to the impact it has. They’re just different in how they affect the person.

Type 1’s ramp farther into the stratosphere and get lost further in their mania. They tend to have more extreme thinking which results in more blatant indicators. Shit like major hyper-sexuality, grandiose thinking, and destructive tendencies come to bear a lot stronger as a Type 1.

Type 2 is more insidious. I spend most of my waking time constantly reviewing, and re-reviewing my moods and how I’m feeling to attempt to intercept any potential swings. My escalations tends to be far more subtle and I may not realize I’m making ridiculously bad decisions until weeks into the swing. They are usually so subtle that other people don’t realize it either until I’m apologizing for doing something.

As such, Rome can be burning all around me for weeks before I realize it’s going to all be ash soon. Would that be as strong of a problem if when I ramped manic I thought I had to get out of jail to play guitar for Charo after stalking my ex-wife and hitting a nurse with a car while escaping from her work place like one unfortunate individual I’ve been told of? That exact circumstance happened to a Type 1 when he decided he no longer needed his mood stabilizer.

Have I been that far gone as a Type 2? No, but close. Paranoia is a big problem when I start to escalate. There’s been a couple times where I ended up wandering around outside carrying around a butcher knife or cleaver looking for whoever I was sure I saw looking in the window. But of course, no one was there. I like to think that I wouldn’t have just attacked anyone had I come across; but I can’t really be sure of that. And people wonder why I constantly refer to my brain as a separate entity that is working against me.

No real point to this post I guess. Just shit I’ve been thinking about.

“Somewhere in the middle of my mind is a nigga on a tight-rope screamin’ “Let him die!””
– Tupac Shakur, Letter to the President

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One Response to Type 1 and Type 2

  1. rmads says:

    I get extremely paranoid too when i escalate, well I think it is when I escalate. I am very paranoid now =(

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