So, after; fuck I don’t know how many years, finally looking down the barrel at a hearing before an Administrative Law Judge about my disability claim. I detest this system but I do understand why a lot of things are the way they are.
I spent the better part of 15 years unmedicated and undiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. During that period of time, none of the times that I should have been hospitalized or arrested ended up in that way. As such, when I went to finally apply for Disability, I really had no record of the bullshit that my brain had caused me to do and put me through. Going into this hearing, that’s largely what I’m still looking at.
I deal with it better now than I used to. But I still have the difficulties associated with the Disorder when trying to interact and hold down a job. Scaring people because I can’t always control what comes out of my mouth, not being able to do basic math or drive because my brain has slowed to a crawl, not being able to unwind and stay out of a hypomania from having to play act as someone else the entire time I’m at work. Trying to act normal, trying to act social, trying to act unbroken so I can do the things everyone else does to maintain employment. That gets exhausting.
Ah well. This will be the last step for me in this claim. The ones after are clinically stupid. Ask a council to decide whether or not the judge made an error then send the case back to the same judge to double-check it. Which makes no sense at all.
The only thing I’ll really be able to do after that point is keep trying to get well, and restart the cycle of regular employment. Attempt to navigate it, and continue to build an established record of being nuts. Happy fucking day.
Oh well. It can always be worse.
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