An extremely difficult aspect of living with Bipolar Disorder is keeping friendships and relationships in the long-term. The swings that we experience are not only destructive to ourselves but to those we are closest to. Preserving relationships with the people we care most about requires sacrifice, effort, and understanding from all of the involved parties. The following is a foundation for building an approach to keeping these relationships intact. Much of the advice I provide is distilled to a bare bones approach that I feel anyone can adapt to their lifestyle. Mental illness is a personal experience like no other, thus it requires a personalized management style.
*Educating Both Parties
The first step is to build a foundation of knowledge for both parties. The Bipolar person should wait until they are as level as they can be to prevent perceived slights from exploding.
- Bipolar: As a Bipolar, we need to understand how a loved one perceives us while unwell. Are they afraid, uncomfortable, pained? After you level off, you will need to initiate the steps to repair the breach.
- Normal: A Bipolar that is in an unwell period is perceiving life through a twisted lens. We react to things in ways that make no sense to anyone but us. The person that you know and love is in there. It may take days or months, but under normal circumstances they will return when in balance.
*Preservation Strategy
On a regular basis, we the Bipolar are left watching the ashes of our personal lives drifting through our fingers. The actions we take while unwell always have greater repercussions through every aspect of our lives. Thus, we should strive to minimize the damage of the flame once it ignites.
- Bipolar: Always remind yourself to hear what you are being told. Try to prevent their statements from running away in your mind. “I can’t give you ten bucks.” Doesn’t mean anything more than that though it can easily get to ‘That person won’t give me ten bucks because they don’t love, respect, or care about me. So fuck that mother fucker too!’ And now you’re in a hostile mentality ripe for torching that friendship.
- Normal: Be aware that any action or statement you make could get blown out of proportion in the Bipolar’s mind. However, that does not mean that you are to be a doormat or a victim. When dealing with someone who is unwell, keep your statements short and to the point. If their reaction seems out of sync with what is going on, it is quite likely the Disorder twisted it out of proportion. Stay calm and even. If you cannot, leave the conflict. Step away with something like, “I’m not sure if you are unwell or not, but I do not feel this conversation is constructive. We will talk about it tomorrow.” By doing so, you are not providing fuel to make the situation worse.
*Forgiveness Is All Important
There is no more powerful action than forgiveness. That does NOT mean you should allow yourself to ever be a victim or doormat. Mental illness is not an excuse to treat other people like shit. Yes, we periodically do treat other people terribly, but that does not make it right or acceptable.
- Bipolar: Be aware that everyone has certain boundaries that cannot be crossed. In the event that you do, you may very well lose that person or drive them away for good. Should that time come there is not a whole lot you will be able to do. Avoid letting feelings of resentment, anger, or abandonment build. Forgive them. Tell them you understand and let them go. Why? By doing so you are not reinforcing the unwell you in their mind. They are seeing you are a rational, reasonable, understanding person. Their thoughts in the coming days won’t be about whatever lunacy you were going through at the time, but be focused more on their last, rational interaction with you.
- Normal: Not everyone can handle being around the mentally unwell when they are. You need to identify your limits so you know what is entirely out of bounds. This will help the Bipolar person as well since they may be able to recognize it as a boundary. At some point in time, I took to looking behind a person’s actions for motivation before making a judgment. The same thing will help when deciding whether or not to forgive a Bipolar person their slights against you.
For example: I’ve been through approximately 25 jobs in the last 15 years or so. While I was with my second ex-Fiancee, I was still without diagnosis. I continued to lose jobs on a regular basis. Instead of coming clean about it, I lied about why I kept losing jobs to her. Now on the surface, one can just look at it and go “okay you lied several times, you’re a shithead.” and in large part I’d agree. However, I lied because I knew I had difficulties holding a job and was trying to turn it around. I knew it would affect her clinical depression and I did not want her to be so mad at me that I could not help her get through it. Was it right? No. Would I have handled it that way if I was well? No. Was it what my unwell brain told me was the best approach? Yep.
There are very few simple, clear cut reasons with a Bipolar thought process. If they do not cross your limits, its better to forgive them if you don‘t understand the thought process they are relating to you.
*Repairing Breaches
To the people that have experienced the pain of losing someone close to them because of their actions, you might find it hard to believe that there is a silver-lining. Going back, apologizing, and repairing the breaches between you and the people you care about can greatly strengthen your relationships. In addition, it will help separate the people that can handle your unwellness from those that can’t. You will have to take the step forward though. Embrace whatever humility you have to approach the people you wounded to ask forgiveness.
When I put this idea forward, the first response I usually get is “Why should I apologize! I’m the one with the mental illness!” I understand your frustration. This is not about mental illness, this is about showing remorse for hurting someone you care about. The approach I typically use is as follows:
‘I apologize for (insert action here) and the effect it had on you. I was in an unwell Bipolar cycle at the time so I was not myself. And I want you to understand, this is not an excuse but a reason. I acknowledge what I did, I know it was not the right thing to do, and to be honest, there’s a better than good chance I’ll probably end up doing something just as stupid in the future. That’s life with Bipolar Disorder. If you want to forgive me, that’s your choice. If not, I understand that too. If I can make it right, I will.’
And then I give the person space to think if they need it. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes it takes a few weeks, very rarely do they ever disappear for good.
*A Final Thought
The people in your life that can accept the bullshit we put them through and forgive you are your most valuable allies in your battle for wellness. If they are a person you can trust, their word becomes invaluable while you are unwell. They can be an anchor to what reality actually is. In my case, if I am acting severely out of my mind and someone points it out to me, rather than go out and about and cause the chaos that will come with being unwell; I hole up and ride it out until it passes. Once I rebalance, I get back on the path of whatever it is I was doing. By doing so, I help minimize damage and shorten my unwell periods. The more fuel shoveled in the furnace of mind the longer I’m going to burn, right?
Don’t hesitate to bring the people you love and care about in your world if you are Bipolar. They already know your different facets. They may not like, agree, or desire the unwell you. But there is a person in there that they value and love, otherwise they wouldn’t be putting up with our bullshit. In most cases, the person they love is the well person we are struggling so hard to get to with the therapy, doctors, medication, exercises, and more.
More information is available in my article “Effectively Managing A Bipolar Relationship”.
“This is my other side,
I’m not only a Dark One,
As I have a pulsing heart,
For all who care.”
- “The Dark One” Darkseed
This article has really helped me a lot, in terms of being with my closest friend who is bipolar. Although, she didn’t tell me about it, i got to know it through another friend who has bipolar, to be honest, i feel , bipolar people have a great deal to offer to this world. I researched quite a lot, to stop “messing around with her head”, and in turn got to learn so much , that today i’m surprised when people just say “Oh, you’re mad, you have bipolar”. In fact i believe that you all are the ones who see reality as no one else can. I really appreciate all those who come out with it, and not keep it inside you. There are people who care. I’m there to listen to all that you have to say, and i would love to know your experiences too.
Thank you for the feedback. I’m glad you found the piece informative. We certainly do end up seeing the world differently- but it’s not always a positive thing nor should anyone be made to think that way. If you have any specific questions, by all means ask and I’ll see if I can provide answers.
Very helpful. I’m romanticly interested on a bipolar person and it’s hard to understand if his attitude towards me changes because of his state or because he’s no longer interested. I often question my actions and feel I might have done or said something wrong, or become mad at this person, but this helped me understand how to handle myself. Reading “we” instead of “them” made me feel confident about the information in this article because I know the advices come from a bipolar person, not a “specialist”. Thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to reply! I’m glad you found the information helpful. I wrote a much longer document on the same subject on my primary website- Effectively Managing A Bipolar Relationship. It may provide further insight and understanding.
While I don’t know your situation very well; from previous experience it’s more likely the former than the latter. I know when I would swing unwell I was pretty foul to the people that cared about me and the woman in my life at the time. I wouldn’t spend too much time questioning your own actions or worrying excessively about what you might have done wrong. Bipolar Disorder skews everything in the mind of the person while they are unwell. For example, I almost destroyed a refrigerator during a manic phase because the milk container was holding the door open. A rational person would have just moved the milk. In my unwell state; fuck that fucking milk and fuck it not being pushed back by the fucking door and ill fucking slam it until it moves and fucking goddamnit it’s still not moving!
Applying typical thought processes to your relationship with the person is not really advised. Bipolar relationships are doable, they just require a different approach from both parties.
If you have any questions or would like to talk about your situation more, feel free to email me- dennis@bipolarmanifesto.com
Thanks for publishing this. I am not bipolar, but I have a female close friend who is. Maybe you can offer some insight for me. During “normal times”, I seem to get mixed signals that she wants our relationship to be romantic. During unwell times, she seems repulsed by me. Is this characteristic of bipolar disorder, or just her. No idea what to think.
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read my work, Dan. What you described can be very normal for a Bipolar person. Our unwell periods can cause our brains to start churning out drastically different ideas from normal. A person we love and adore can just as easily become the focus of our angst and anger for no tangible reason.
My advice is to just talk to her while she’s well and balanced. Don’t bother trying to interpret her emotions. You won’t get anywhere that way. When she swings unwell, do your best to not take things she says or does personally. I can guarantee she will end up regretting her actions when she rebalances. There is some good news. Wellness is attainable for a majority of Bipolars. So if she is attempting to get well there’s a good chance that she will eventually even out into her well state in the long run.
I wrote a more extensive version of this post you can find here- http://www.bipolarmanifesto.com/index.php/general/effectively-managing-a-bipolar-relationship/
Feel free to comment again or email me directly if you want to discuss it further! – dennis@bipolarmanifesto.com
thank you for posting this information it’s helps understand abit of what I’m going through ATM. although I’m finding it hard to understand why my partner seems to be balanced and functional and very clear most of the time he is also very sweet and loving, and we are like the best of friends most of the time, and then out if the blue he will start picking on me and it feels like absolutely everything I do is not good enough for him and then I’ll get upset and he will say I’m sorry but then he will be at it again 5 mins later. and goes on and on and we just don’t see eye to eye as much as I support his bipolar he just doesn’t listen to me. he seems to have to always be in the write and always has something nasty to say and I winder if the person I love is still in there and deep inside can he hear me. and then when he’s fine were great. it’s hurtful and I don’t no what to do.
Hello there. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
It sounds like your man needs to work on some of his own coping and managing techniques. I would suggest a few sessions with a counselor to work on management techniques or mutually consulting with his doctor about the situation. If he’s on meds and his behavior towards you (or in general) has been getting worse; then he may need a med adjustment. People get resistant to psych meds over time so they periodically need adjusted or even changed if he’s at a max dosage.
I think I would sit down with him at a time when he was feeling well and balanced and discuss that his darker moodiness is having an affect on the relationship and your own well-being. And then discuss options the two of you can explore to get things back to a healthier state for both of you.
Since my information is limited to what you posted; I believe that consulting with a professional who can explore the situation deeper can help the two of you get to the root cause and bring back the man you fell in love with. The man you love is still in there- he just seems to be sick at the moment. I think the sooner you guys can address it; the better.
EDIT: Your partner can seem to be balanced and “well” and then not because Bipolar Disorder operates in a spectrum. Sometimes the person can be well and fine; other times they can be vicious or suicidal; or they can be anywhere in between. There’s not always a tangible rhyme or reason to it. It’s just how the Disorder works.
thank you for your advice, I tend to agree.
He is medicated although I don’t think enough it’s just enough to take the edge off the depression but doesn’t seem to be doing much for the mania. that’s when he is the worst. he has been well and balanced for around 6 months and now I’ll for around 4 weeks. do you know roughly how long the cycles tend to last? And what you recommend is the best approach while he is I’ll.
Bipolar Disorder is primarily medicated with two types of meds- an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. If the mood stabilizer is not working well, the antidepressant can cause the person to escalate into mania and stay up there for longer periods. I would speculate this is why your BF has been getting worse. He -needs- to get in touch with his doctor and get a medication adjustment asap if that’s the case. This needs to be handled immediately. Get him to call today.
Cycle length can last any length of time from a couple days to months at a time. It all depends on the person, the stresses they are under, and what’s driving the unwell period. A cycle driven by incorrect medication can last until the meds are fixed and can be worse than what they normally experience; hence the need to handle the situation with urgency and get it fixed -now-.
The best way to handle it is to not take the bait and not give him ammunition to argue with. If he starts trying to instigate just say “You’re unwell and you’re being very mean. I’m not going to argue with you.” And then don’t.
If he picks at what you’re doing or how you’re doing something- “You’re free to do it yourself if you don’t like how I did it.” And again, don’t argue.
The reason that we’re not arguing is that there is no point to it. It’s not an engagement you can ever “win” and serves no actual purpose. The mean-type instigation and picking are just his unwell brain being unwell.
Now, being understanding and supportive does have its limits. If he ever starts being abusive or you ever feel threatened don’t hesitate to get authorities involved. Believe me they are used to dealing with mentally unwell people.
Only you can decide where your lines are that cannot be crossed. Personally- I’ve been punched in the face on three different occasions in the past two years by a severely unwell person I was trying to help. But that’s where my line is. Anything past taking a swing at me warrants self-defense and authorities. Not that I’m advocating that approach for you; only demonstrating that though I can deal with a lot of shit there is a line drawn in the sand that cannot be crossed.
You need to figure out where yours is if you haven’t.
And you need to get him to call his doctor. Have him ask them to get him in as soon as possible; he’s having problems with his psych meds. They should treat it as a borderline emergency situation. From what you described, it sounds like he’s pretty mild compared to how an incorrect dosage can impact us in general. However that can change- thus the problem needs addressed immediately.
What your saying is so true, I’ve mentioned to him befour that feel that he is a little unmedicated he said if I was on any more meds that he would be a zombie. he is on lexipro 10 mg and valproate 1000 mg he used to be on 2000 mg but dropped it he has seemed fine on these dosages for a while. But ATM anything and everything is annoying him and upsetting him , it’s like he pretends to be nice but u can see he’s not being genuine . he also has aspergers with his bipolar but o er time I’ve been able to separate the to. he only takes meds for bipolar and this is not helping he also used to see a coin Ellet every few weeks but hasn’t seen her for awhile now as he said he was sick of doctors and meds. he knows he can’t stop taking them but I think he would rather leave things how they are as he’s tierd of trying. I know where my limits are and so does he so hopefully he doesn’t cross the line . I just want the best for him and to help balance him and his life also our family life .
Hm. I can’t directly reply to your latest comment. Is it alright if I send you a direct email? Is the address you registered under a legit address?
Absolutely you can email me. yep it is a legit address. Thank you.
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My wife of two years is bipolar, but that never really sank in until recently. I thought our relationship was in trouble because of me, but after a serious breakdown last week things have become much clearer. Our sex life has never been good, and I used to think she’s just not attracted to me. I made the effort to see if I could do things like we used to when we first got together. She loves karaoke, going to the movies, so I decided to take her out more. We had a blast. We went to her favorite restaurant, saw the movie she had wanted to see, I bought her roses and sang her a love song at karaoke (which was terrifying for me lol), and then we went cruising around town just listening to music. She was in the mood for country, which I hate, but after a few songs I began to enjoy it and sing along. We came to a stop light, I leaned over to kiss her, and I swear if she wasn’t buckled in she would have fallen out of the car. The woman I love recoiled when I tried to kiss her. I began to realize that things had been that way for a long time. When ever I try to hold her or kiss her, she flinches and tries to get away. She has been married before, and her ex husband was abusive, but I have never struck her. I don’t yell when we fight, though I do get angry, but we hardly ever fight. We get along so well, we can still sit and talk for hours about nothing at all, or just enjoy each others company in silence. But she cannot show me affection.
When we got home I told her, not in an angry or accusatory way, that when she tells me she loves me I don’t believe her. I cried, and she stood there and made excuses. She told me she does love me, she just isn’t interested in having any intimacy with me. We talked for a few hours, neither one of us getting angry, just talking things out. She said some very hurtful things, and I told her things can’t continue this way. The next morning she told me she had made an appointment to see a councilor and that she felt that she needs medication. I began researching bipolar disorder, and I began to understand things. I feel stupid, so very stupid, for not listening to her in the first place. I’m hopeful that we can work things out, but at the same time I feel that I’ve already prepared myself for when she leaves. I don’t know whether to crawl in a hole and howl in pain or rejoice that I can move on with my life without her if it comes to that. I need to talk to someone, but I don’t know anyone who could understand what we’re going through.
Wow, this site is so helpful. I have not had anyone to talk to about this. And actually I didn’t know what other people would think about it so I keep it to myself.
Anywho about 4 months ago I met a guy whom was the embodiment of everything I could ever imagine as the perfect fit. At first he started out just commenting on my art and sharing his. That then progressed to long chat sessions about the art world, which eventually led to phone convo and video chats.
Everything was amazing, he had amazing humor and a laugh just as infectious as mines.
We have lived in the same city for years and gone to the same college and never crossed paths. Anyways we continued to talk and about two months in he said he was “manic-depressive” and didn’t seem at all afraid about talking about it. Ironically I am a pysch major in grad school lol. Anyways, I have read about it, but never became involved with it in depth. But because of my background with people I didn’t let that change the feelings I had for him.
Before you knew it we were talking long hrs everyday as night turned to day, he revealed secrets so did I. But I also noticed he didn’t get much sleep. He was telling me about how he had attempted suicide in the past, and how he was deeply lonely, he had lost his job out of college and for reason unexplained unable to find “gainful employment.” Since 2010? Someone as talented and well equiped with degrees seemed they should have a job by now. I didn’t question it as I was afraid it would cause instability.
However it was obvious by his Facebook stats that he was troubled by his supposeded pursuits for employment. Right around this time, I told him I would help him get a job at the corp. I work for. He seemed excited. He would tell me how he thanked the powers that be for me and so fourth. It honestly seems the day that expressed to him how I felt about him and how much joy be brought into my life, that was the moment life took a turn.
About three weeks ago, he started to become distant. Those messages sent to his cell took hours for him to reply to, when usually he would reply within minutes. He spends hours on end on facebook posting things and laughing with people in a seemingly normal manner, but if I inbox him he will not answer me, Somtimes for days after I’ve sent messages. When he does reply or answer the phone, it seems like he is distant, not interested in me anymore. But disconnected person is on facebook posting and having conversation on their wall.
Each day I would send messages and tell him I am not upset about him needing space, I loved him deeply and I would be here when he is ready. He reads messages no reply. Now if I post on his wall under the thousands of batman post, strangely he’ll reply. He then had supposedly two family memebers die at once, he then went out of town for a week, at this point he was very distant. But, what I found was he was lying because when he sent messages to me from Facebook, his location was at places in town. I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want to send him I deeper. But I was more than annoyed by the fact that he wa lying.
He has been with his parents now for nearly a month. He supposedly is coming to get his stuff and move back home. He continues to be most likely unlike the person I found love and comfort in, the person who was so happy to have found me. The person I love. Today he sent me a message thay says ” j you are not the one for me.” And I said if that is where you are I will respect that, but I asked him how do you know that for sure and he said, ” because all the beautiful words you wrote, I don’t feel the same.” He then goes on to tell me ” I don’t need him, I don’t need anyone.” And shortly after he posted a stat that said ” Somtimes we see what me need to in people- but Somtimes what we see is not really there.”
That hurt like hell. This is a person whom I have shared my life with. A person is has been loving and affectionate, and now they have progressively become this perosn who doesn’t even seem to want me around. I didn’t show my emotion, I simply wrote. ” I am not sure what this all means, but I am sure right now this is your reality. I love you enough to respect you and go away if that is what you want; but know that I will always love you. No hard feelings, goodbye”
I’m afraid, is it possible the person I met is not the real person, the person who shared all their darkest secrets and happiest moments. The person whom has friends that have been around for years and don’t know he is bipolar, he told me all this. But it seems like it has doomed me to being pushed away. Is there a such thing as coming on to strong with a bipolar? Is it possible that the real person is the one I have interacted with for the longest part. The one who is withdrawn and indifferent.
Mind you, when he lost his job In 2010 he lost his insurance and is and has been since unmedicated.
Ah thank you so much for such an informative article. I’m bipolar. I have been for 13 years. I am fairly well controlled and have managed to just about hold down a career for the same length of time. I am just coming out of a hypo manic episode. The first, in about 2 years. And it was a huge shock. I wasn’t ready for it.. But who ever is? My boyfriend who has been so amazingly supportive through a large variety of serious health problems that I’ve had in our 1 and half years together has been hit so hard by this episode. He’s now depressed and unfortunately I think struggling to separate the woman he knows from the bipolar condition. So I’m better, and all I can do is give him the time and space to get over the shock. I have promised him that I will always communicate with him, and be honest. I’ve encouraged him to feel free to speak to my mum who is amazing with me when im unwell. Fortunately I can articulate this now I’m well. It’s so important to talk about it, never to allow shadows to lurk in the corners of the partners mind. And most importantly not only is it important for the partner to be able to decide if they can live with it, but also for the sufferer to recognise that they deserve someone in their life that can and is willing to try, to understand and to see YOU.. Not the illness.
Sounds like you have a very good handle on your own management practices, Jenny. I think he’ll be able to push through it. Relationships with Bipolars are often a teeter-totter affair. The well person props up and helps the unwell person when they’re unbalanced; and then the Bipolar does the same for the normally well partner so they can recover from the emotional and mental toll that an unwell period can have.
And you are very right, communication is of the utmost importance; moreso than even in normal relationships.
I wanted to thank you for your informative article and feedback to others who are going through rough patches with the loved ones in their lives.
I found this posting while looking for books about bi-polar relationships. A little over 3 weeks ago my gf kind of picked a fight with me when she broke plans without even a text. I really regret it today, but we got into a passive aggressive argument when all I simply wanted her to do was say she should have texted me when she decided to leave me waiting at home for her to come over for dinner. 3 hrs later, after she went out with her friends to eat instead, it somehow got turned around into me being the jerk, and being in my little world when i was upset about her actions. Fact is, I’ve been really patient with her because I know about the bi-polar, ADHD, and PTSD from her past and I truly do love this girl.
The night went pretty miserably as she just remained distant and stuck in a mood when all I wanted to do was let it go and be able to enjoy her company. I even made her a 2nd dinner, because I was hungry after falling asleep on the couch waiting till 1130. But for the first time I was pretty angry, though I didn’t snap at her or raise my voice once I realized she couldn’t be empathetic about the situation.
What I regret now, is that I didn’t put it together that she was going through something. We’ve only been dating for 7 or 8 months, and I never really educated myself too too much on the disorder. The last time I was home though, I did go see Silver Linings Playbook with her, as she explained, she is the female version of the Bradley Cooper character. It kinda intimidated me, but it was like her favorite movie, and I was happy to make her happy by seeing it with her when I was visiting home for a few days during the winter.
Fact is, for a long time I thought I might be a bit bi-polar. I think everyone is a little bit, we all cycle around. Of course now I realize my brain operates in a much more practical way then some of us out there who struggle with this disease every day. I’ve been reading up on it and am going to the library when I finish this post to get some books actually.
But what I regret is that the following day we were supposed to go to a BB game and when it started to drizzle I decided to just not let her know we weren’t gonna go. I figured she would call me after work and I could say, “it kinda sucks when people flake out- now hopefully you can understand how I felt”. But no call, and I stayed angry about it. The next couple days I texted her in the mornings and a few times throughout the day to check in and nothing. No reply, nothing. So I gave her her space because I thought she would come around sooner than later and frankly I didn’t want to deal with that angry person.
This blew up in my face though when a couple days later she called me and very emotionlessly broke things off. I was floored, and caught completely off-guard, that was the last thing I wanted. My stubbornness now torments me.
About a month prior to this, she had become beligerent and hung up on me and it took her a couple days to come around and apologize and ask for my forgiveness which I immediately gave her and reassured her I would be there. At the time I was working in another state, which went on for a couple months. She visited a few times but was a bit distant (very tired or in the zone most of the trip) and would leave me notes saying how patient and amazing I treat her through all the way she acts. “I don’t know why I act this way. I don’t like it, and I’m so lucky to have such a patient and thoughtful person in my life. I’m so lucky”. I have subsequently learned from some posts and writings that when bipolar individuals say things like “you deserve better from me”, it can be a warning sign of something to come.
I guess I thought that this situation would work itself out similarly, and in a day or two she would snap out of it and realize her coldness- but I was dead wrong.
She put me off for a week before meeting face to face and giving me all my stuff back. I definitely went into that f2f scarred and confused, with a lot of questions that subsequently never got answered. I really thought that when we would see each other in person she would snap out of it and realize that what we had was worth holding onto, that I was worth holding onto (as insecure as that sounds, I am a pretty practical person and I couldn’t do the math here, I really just thought it was a simple miscommunication. Maybe she broke up with me so I didn’t break up with her? Which I wouldn’t have done. I just don’t know.)
I definitely wanted to breach the subject of her mental illnesses effecting her judgement, but everytime I even tried to go anywhere near there (and I never really did get to go there in the convo) I couldn’t get 2 sentences out without her cutting me off and reacting very coldly towards me. It became very obvious that this conversation was going to be about me when all the questions I had were about her. (I did apologize and say i didn’t care about being right or wrong though. I was not aggressive in anyway.)
I couldn’t understand how we made it through all that time apart and then within a week of being home and just a few days removed from very real and public displays of affection on her part she could say she didn’t miss me, and that she had been thinking about this for awhile. It was like she lacked empathy for anything, and what really scared me is I felt like she was a completely different person than the girl I know and love.
When we parted ways, she did give me a big hug and tell me she loved me too, but it felt like it was forced. Like something you tell someone just to get rid of them. I had wanted to read her a letter she wrote me a month ago, one that I had kept and read a bunch of times. Basically saying that she was so lucky to be with someone as understanding and committed to working on ‘us’. For some stupid reason, I thought it would remind her of the committment we had made to one another, and maybe snap her out of it. Because in my mind, 2 loving people don’t break up over a little bump in the road like this, not after being apart for the better part of 3 months and talking everyday.
This is where our f2f pretty much ended as she stormed off furious that I would try and read her her own letter. Furious. I had really thought the note would anchor her back to that person and the way she had felt just a few weeks earlier, I thought even if I couldn’t get through to her– maybe HER OWN WORDS could penetrate the wall she was putting up. but instead it just angered her and pushed her away. So basically, I couldn’t communicate with her at all, and it hurt.
I don’t know nearly enough about the disease, but I am fairly certain now she was becoming somewhat manic, posting 10 things a day on FB, and taking on new responsibilities and jobs and perhaps me being thrust back into her life after a few months away was too much for her. I can see that now. I can see how her new found motivation to get back in shape, which I was encouraging may have made her possibly go off her meds or something (to lose weight) or simply pushed her towards becoming even more manic and heading towards an episode.
It just tears me up, because half of the posts I see online, are people in long term relationships telling people getting into similar situations to run for their lives and move on- because it never gets better. I have left her alone for the past 2 weeks (no calls/no texts/ nothing) and 50/50 she went to see her psychiatrist in that time. But I really don’t know how long I can keep myself from reaching out to her.
In past relationships when things started to slip I knew I had to act sooner than later if I wanted to save it. But with her, I almost feel like the longer I wait, the more likely she will be more stable when we finally do speak again. Or maybe she will one day just have a change of heart and contact me. And I want to speak again, even if she can’t be with me or with anyone right now, I want her to be a part of my life, if just a friend for now or whatever. But from past experience I know that with most people the longer you wait the less chance of reconcilliation.
I do feel though that I want to write her, in a week or so after her birthday (on Sunday), and express the things I couldn’t a few weeks ago. after I read up on bipolar romance a bit more of course. But I am torn, because my usual feeling is that women want what they can’t have- and if you chill them out it will make them want you back. This is the kind of backwards thinking that got me into this in the first place though.
Wow, I just realized how much I wrote….. Therapeutic, but more than a little dramatic. I’m just really confused as to what I should do if I decide I really want her in my life. Do I write her? Do I leave her be? How do I find that person again? How do I tell her that I can accept her, not just the person she is when she is treating me amazing and very pleasant to be around? When you love someone, you love their flaws as well. I just don’t want go a few weeks time waiting it out and then find out she randomly/impulsively jumped into a new relationship because she felt lonely and thought I moved on (she moved back in with her parents so I am not too worried about her hurting herself thankfully). At the same time if I reach out and she is still in that state I know it will push her farther away. I don’t know if when I collect my thoughts and write her if I should mention the bipolar bit, or just ask if we can be friendly and hang out drama free sometime. I’m just really lost, and looking for answers that I don’t think anyone can give me. For right now though, I am gonna stop writing and go to the library for further insight. If you could give me any advice or words of wisdom I’d be very much indebted to you because I really have nobody to talk to about this. I don’t think any of my friends or family would understand why I could possibly want to try and work things out with someone who hurt me in such a seemingly irrational way. But I hate looking backwards at things and need to get my head on straight and look forwards again- with or without her.
Thanks for listening….. I wrote too much.
Hello, Paul. First of all- you didn’t write too much. It’s good to have as much information as possible from a person about their situation and their partner before trying to provide any meaningful advice.
I’d like to quickly correct one misconception that is likely causing a lot of difficulties in your decision making process. The idea that “everyone is a little Bipolar” is as accurate as suggesting that someone can be “a little pregnant”. You either are, or you are not. Contrary to popular opinion, Bipolar Disorder is more than just having massive mood fluctuations. Part of the diagnostic criteria is that the person must travel into an extreme and stay there for at least a week at a time. When I have a hypomanic period- it can last for months.
So immediately- we’ve already got the problem where she got unbalanced and you moved to immediately patch that up. The problem is that she’s going to be in that unwell state of mind until she crashes out of it. Could be weeks. Could be months. It could have already ended. It all depends on the person, the extremity of the unwell period, and any other catalysts such as medication changes.
It absolutely sucks to be hurt by someone who is mentally ill and in an unwell period. But it is important to understand that when that person is unwell, they are not who they normally are. The analogy I use is Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. You may know, love, and be loved by Dr. Jeckyl- but Mr. Hyde may hate your fucking guts, he may not love you, he may not care whether you live or die (in rare extremes). The point is- Mr. Hyde isn’t going to give a rat’s ass how you feel. Therefore, there is no point in trying to patch things up or make them better while the person is unwell. You can try to minimize the damage but that’s about as good as you’re going to get.
But your feelings and needs are important and should be addressed. You can shelf them and come back to them when she’s well. No, it’s not an easy thing to do. It’s pretty difficult to not get pissed off when you have someone you love screaming in your face that you’re a cock sucking faggot- but reacting with anger is just going to drive them further into instability. When this occurs, I usually respond with indifference or humor. Like “yeah, but at least I make good money at the truck stops and from Senators!” because the person is expecting anger and it jars their thought processes to have to decipher what I’m talking about which can serve as a much needed break in their furious thought processes.
As to the point about the people that told you to run- I can’t say I blame them. There are a lot of Bipolar people who have little to no control over themselves or even want to. My general rule of thumb is that I will attempt to be there for someone so long as they are trying to help themselves. If they just want to wallow in their own shit, well that’s on them.
I would definitely recommend educating yourself thoroughly on Bipolar relationships and how to manage them; because there are things you should do to ensure her unwellness doesn’t screw you both. Just an example off the top of my head- I would never get a joint bank account or co-sign things. They may be sweet and wonderful when they’re lucid; but when they’re not you may find yourself with an unexpected loan to pay off or maxed out credit cards.
As to what to do about the current situation. Once she re-balances, she should return to being the woman you knew and loved up until this recent episode. So I would do one of the following.
1. Try and call or see her. Just say something simple like, “Look, you’ve been severely mentally unwell the past couple of weeks. I want you to know that I recognize and understand that. I know you broke up with me- but I’d like for you to come talk to me when you’ve re-balanced.”
If she won’t talk to you and you’re on decent terms with her parents, then…
2. I would contact her parents and just ask them to let her know I would really like to talk to her once she balances back out.
Open communication between as many parties as possible is going to be most beneficial for your girl and her well-being. I would highly advise you look into relationship strategies as well so you guys can establish limits and hopefully build a better trust that will help ground her mind more.
And finally, you need to ensure that you’re mentally strong enough to deal with this as well. I don’t know if you have any mental/emotional problems yourself; but it’s really easy for mentally ill people to pull each other into unwellness by feeding one another negative feelings and thoughts.
If you have any questions or thoughts, you can feel free to continue the convo here or just email me if you’d prefer to discuss it that way. dennis@bipolarmanifesto.com
Hi Paul, I couldnt help but reply to your post. I really feel for you, you’ve been through a tough time. I am a 35 year old bipolar lady..posted above ^ and currently well but just recently come out of a hypomanic episode… So my mind is fresh in the memory of being ill but the insight into how to make life easier after it is fresh too!
Firstly, your lady is with friends and family, she has support if she is unwell. It’s very hard to want to help and want to be there for someone but they have to allow you in. You understandably want answers, but she is clealy not ready or willing to give them.
You HAVE to take care of yourself first, I know this is going to be difficult, but leave her be for now. Prioritise your life, your health, your mind. Reach out to friends and family, talk about it but make a point of going and doing things you enjoy. You have to approach woman with mental health problems as a woman first, then address the illness.
Even without the illness, woman can behave badly. Bipolar is not an excuse to trample over someones heart. I often find myself snapping the head off my mum, boyfriend or best friend.. but in the end I always fix it, I acknowledge and own the mistakes I made. You never mentioned how old your friend is and yes quite often maturity is the healing link to a bipolar blow out! At the moment whether your girlfirend is unwell and unable to connect with you in that way or genuinely wishing to end the relationship.. my advice would be the same. Leave it be, at least a month, focus on you and your happiness then if you really with to send her an email in a month or 2 offering nothing but the hand of friendship. And if you do connect again ensure that while its important to be kind and aware, you also matter too, and deserve to be treated kindly, honestly and with compassion. Your happiness and stability is just as important as hers. Trust that if this split has come out of a bipolar episode that she will realise it and reach out again.
Excellent input. Thank you very much, Jenny.
- Dennis
Hey, I just wanted to thank the 2 of you for replying to my long-winded post from earlier today. It really meant a lot to me to get a little bit of feedback and know that there are people out there who can empathize and want to offer guidance in such a confusing time for me.
I just got in from a softball game and had a couple drinks so I’m gonna reread your posts in the morning so I can REALLY digest what you had to say. But I did read quite a bit at the library today about mania, hypomania, denial, hyperactivity and a myriad of other unwell states and I found that educating myself was very therapeutic as well.
BTW, i like the way you put that Dennis- “unwell”, being unwell or in an unwell state.
I want to also make sure I didn’t offend in anyway when I said I feel like everyone is a bit bipolar. I’m sorry if I did, that was not my intent. I myself do suffer from adult ADHD (to address one of your questions) and have been on and off small doses of amphetamines (10-20 mgs of salt amphetamines) for the past couple years to help my concentration while finishing my masters. In the midst of a semester, I often feel like it allows me to be a bit more manic- and that helps me tackle multiple tasks at once. For me, other than the fact that it inhibits me to smoke more and eat less- it really helps me be productive. At the same time, I can sometimes get wrapped up in what I am doing and get pulled into my work or tasks. Of course, when I would finish my semester all burned out I would sometimes get depressed and feel I acted too proud and neglected people I was trying to move on from.
Basically, I would finish my plate so to speak- and then when I would finally have free time to be able to enjoy my accomplishments, I would feel lonely. That is how my previous relationship ended about a year ago, although, I knew that relationship wouldn’t work out for other reasons… I still cared for her emmensely too. And even though I was the one to break up with that ex, I still feel like I broke up with her for the right reasons (she was 4 years older than me and was on a different life schedule than what I could give her). It was only after the semester when I could reflect that I became depressed about things, perhaps because I was lonely. (I have subsequently weened myself off of amphetamines over the winter, so all the dopamine bouncing around my head is natural right now haha)
Of course, when I met my most recent ex, I felt like it all made sense and that everything in previous relationships had happened for a reason.
She had just moved back home from Baltimore, and yeah I was just fully getting over the lull that followed my previous relationship. She told me she loved me within a months time, and we were like peas and carrots. Looking back now, i wonder if when we first dated then she may have been ‘unwell’ and perhaps now she is in her normal state. It’s so confusing, and of course being away from one another for the better part of the winter you lose your bearings a bit.
The point I am trying to make is, I do have my own slight mental cycling that I go through as well. Whether it be do to ADHD, or whatever, I do myself have slightly exagerated ups and downs. And from my reading I have seen a few times that ADHD and bipolar have some similar symptoms at times. Usually, my downs are when I am looking backwards at things i regret and my highs when I am working hard and trying to move forward. But it is in no way to the extent of the things I have read about bipolar individuals, and in no way on the same level of my ex. In fact, I felt like I had a role reversal when dating her because she herself established very early on that she was the one of us with mental disorders (ADHD, BP, PTSD, and several concussions that couldn’t have helped things either).
She had been admitted to the hospital twice, had to give up drinking (AA) after poor judgement choices and hypersexuality that it percipitated. But she was a first nighter and in July she will have been sober for 3 years. In retrospect I really respect and was proud of her for that, I know being sober gave her strength. And I truly never worried about her and alcohol after knowing her for a few weeks, it was the last thing in my mind.
To supply a little bit more info that Dennis and jenny alluded to in your replies: I am 30 and she will actually be turning 26 tomorrow. She has had some really dark times in her past, but I am hoping living at home and the absence of alcohol will help her through harder times as she faces them.
Someone mentioned not co-signing on CC’s or anything. Funny thing is the day before she picked the fight with me I had just signed her up for a gym membership with me on my CC. One of the reason’s I was so upset with her that night is because after I took her out for sushi (post gym)- she had told me she wanted to make me a 5 course meal the next day because she wanted to do something REALLY nice for me. Instead she blew me off for friends, picked a fight, and subsequently broke up with me.
I would have to think that if someone said, “I was thinking about this for awhile (breaking up), i was just trying to give it my best shot”- they would not have asked me to put up a good amount of cash for a yearly gym membership if they were gonna break up the next day or week. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
It will definitely be difficult to keep my distance from her, especially with it being her birthday on Sunday, but I am going to spend the weekend with my brother and parents for mothers day in Pennsylvania, so that will surely make it easier to keep myself from reaching out. A month or two though, that will be rough.
As for her parents, I don’t have a bad relationship with them but I don’t have a close relationship either. I think they DO know that I am a good person who loves their daughter very much though. Even though she would always be at odds with them, I always thought she was being harsh on them, so maybe they do recognize a break in her psyche.
I was thinking, maybe I can just plan to drop off a simple gift for her sometime next week when I know she is at work or something and that would give me a risk free opportunity to have a quick convo with her mom. So I can communicate to her at least, my intention to be their for her if she comes out of it. And since I don’t really know if she wants to talk to me now anyway, I’m sure I could get some feedback from mom.
Best case scenario for me being that mom acknowledges that she is ‘unwell’, and worst case scenario being that she has no idea what I am talking about. Either way it gives me a chance perhaps to get some more insight and fill in some of the blanks I have in the back of my mind.
I had thought about talking to her friend, but the last thing i want to do is have the girl think I am stalking her or reigning in on her life if she doesn’t want me around. And frankly, parents have much better judgement about what to share and what not to share with their children, especially after seeing their child get committed twice.
Dennis and Jenny, thank you again. being able to write down some of my thoughts has been really good for me. And having some insight into how people tick when they are ‘unwell’ is more insightful then you could ever imagine. You definitely helped me today, and if for just a day I feel ALOT better than yesterday. A LOT less helpless. I feel like I can look forward on how to go navigate this road instead of punishing myself looking backwards as much. And words can’t readily express how healthy that is for my own mental health and outlook. I won’t lie, I probably will post again sometime soon or drop an email in the future if that is alright. And I will most definitely post any good news that comes about in the coming season if god chooses to bless me with it. In the meantime, i have 3 books to peruse over the weekend to educate myself. The one thing I do know, is that if it is meant to be and I find myself with this person again, even just as friends, I care about them enough to want to be able to help them be the healthiest and happiest person they can be.
Thank you both again and have a fantastic weekend.
You Rock.
Hey Paul. First let me start by saying- not offended at all by the “everyone is a little Bipolar thing”. It’s just a common misconception I run into that can do a lot of harm to understanding what a Bipolar loved one is experiencing. The problem is that “normal” minded people are trying to equate Bipolar actions to just moody, typical actions when, in fact, Bipolar thought processes are far more extreme. Like.. “I saw a commercial about a kid and his parent that reminded me of my kid I haven’t seen in years and think I’m going to go kill myself now” extreme. There’s really no equivalent to that sort of thinking in a normal person.
I can’t know for sure without really knowing your lady- but I’d say it’s more likely that the swing she is experiencing now is an unwell time and not her normal baseline. Once you educate yourself more on the Disorder’s specific mechanics you can look back at the time you spent together and see if there were any indicators of manic behavior (like lack of sleep/tiredness, hypersexuality, irrational/uncalled for anger/rages, etc.). If she was unwell in an escalated state then there will be symptoms.
I would also point something about the difference in advice from what Jenny and I gave about contact. Jenny appears to have a pretty good handle on how to manage her mental wellness. A lot of us, however, do not. With Bipolars, after an unwell period they will normally rubberband and go the other direction for a little while. So when she crashes she’ll probably fall into a “oh fuck I ruined it” thought process. I feel like taking just a single proactive will just plant a seed in her mind that she will be able to latch onto- that you knew she was unwell and will be there when she returns to her baseline.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the yearly membership either. I’m pretty sure you guys will end up getting to use them. But yeah, by all means take in her input and requests with the same attention you’d give any other partner, but don’t spend what you can’t afford and always be prepared to eat a loss- because you’ll probably have them.
I also would probably contact her friend if you can. If they’ve been friends for awhile, they will be pretty familiar with her unwellness. You can just tell the person something like, “I know she has plenty of mental stuff going on and I think she was severely unwell when she broke up with me. I want to give her the space she needs but I also want her to know that I’m trying to understand. I would really appreciate if you could tell her I’d love to talk to her to again when she rebalances.”
Another correction I just noticed- “if she comes out of it.” No “if”- when she comes out of it. The adage “What goes up must come down” is very applicable to Bipolars. She will eventually return to her baseline. Might take some time though. Again, judging by the sharp change in her demeanor she is most likely unwell at the moment.
Dwelling is never a good thing for anyone’s mentality. The more you try to combat that in yourself the better off you’ll be. Glad to hear you got yourself weaned off the stuff you were doing to cope and get through.
It sounds like her plan for a 5-course meal was a typical Bipolar symptom in making grandiose plans but not being able to follow through on them. (And you may be able to relate to this with having ADHD.) You get a great, fantastic idea in your head and then “click”- it’s gone. The one event that stands out in my life most like that is when I decided to learn bass guitar- which was a whole three hours of consideration after never being interested in learning an instrument before. So I dropped 450 dollars on a bass and amplifier I bought from my neighbor, picked it up twice, then didn’t touch it again until I sold it to my brother.
Just on and off. I kind of get that impression from her “major plans for dinner” and then “blowing it off”.
Anyway, feel free to email or post. I try and check things pretty regularly. You’re very welcome for the assistance. And don’t be afraid to try and reach out to her friends or family to at least let them know you want to be around for her when she’ll allow it. I realize that isn’t the kind of thing a person would “normally” do in a relationship scenario- but Bipolar relationships aren’t normal and they can’t be treated that way if you want it to be successful.
Thank you Dennis for the positive comments, while I do have a fairly good handle on my condition now, I haven’t for many many years. I have been divorced and initiated and sustained a couple of 2 year estrangement from my mother, a long term estrangement from my family and have lost a variety of friends because of my bipolar over the last 10 years.
I’m at the present just full of empathy and awareness for the caregiver.. Which is why I feel Paul should firstly focus on himself.
It was actually the death of my extremely premature baby son that seemed to transform how i approached my condition. i had a nervous breakdown which was not an episode but caused by an obviously horrific life event. My recovery in grief, and counselling helped me approach bipolar differently. I have an amazingly healthy handle on grief and loss.. Which is possibly what your picking up from me..Which in turn helps my bipolar..
I’m coming out of an horrendously destructive episode in which I almost destroyed my relationship, career and relations with my family in one fell swoop! My need to damage control and repair is high at the moment. I also wonder if my need to manage so vigilantly is also a symptom of my condition!
This is the first time in my life I have ever conversed with anyone in my position. I am essentially the ‘only bipolar in the village’ in my life. It has helped, and given me great insight too. I am pretty well managed and medicated, I lost my thyroid to thyroid cancer due to long term lithium treatment.. Which I’m still on. One thing I do know is that it is nice to speak to people who are a little like me! Thanks again.
First, I sympathize with all of you who have gone through the trauma of loving someone with these mental issues. I appreciate all of you relating your experiences so that others can learn and benefit from your experiences and ultimately, become a better partner. Knowledge is power.
I dated a woman who is exactly text book to what has been described here. She was honest with me and told me after 2 dates or so that she was in depression, but never said bi-polar that i remember. I was ignorant and had no idea what depression or bi polar meant. She may as well have said she was from the planet Krypton or Vulcan for all I knew then. When she was well, she was funny, brilliant, talented and brought out the best in me. Older people would smile at us when we were out, and some would approach us saying they had been like us, perhaps 40 years or more earlier. I thought I had hit the jackpot after having gone through many meaningless relationships or dates. I desperately tried to nurture this relationship as I wanted it to be the final stop for the both us. I wanted us to be that older couple 40 years later or more.
She would initiate fights with me, manufacturing a cause where none existed. I was gentle with her, trying to guide her, all to no avail.Eventually,I did become resentful. Sadly, her family also had similar issues and were of no help. Her mom even told me if i was smart, I would run screaming into the night. when i called it quits, they however blamed me and still do to this day. I dearly loved her but when i had my head repeated ripped off and was carrying it under my arm, I decided i needed to take care of myself first.
Our relationship was akin to swimming in a toxic soup. I didn’t want our relationship to degrade any further. I thought it best for the both of us if I left, which i did. I was expecting this woman to act in a rational way, when in fact, she herself wasn’t capable of thinking rationally. I don’t know if it’s true, but was told after I left, the bottom dropped out for her which added to my guilt. After reading what Grimm and Paul and the others have said, I realize that I could have done much more such as educate myself on this condition. Maybe people can learn from all the posts. I still think however that if you are being damaged or hurt by your partner, you are not in the position to help the other person. As mentioned here, it’s best to perhaps give them space.
Hello, Rick. Your story is an all too common one for relationships with people with mental illness. It is not an easy road by any stretch of the imagination and all too often folks don’t quite realize what they are walking into. I don’t really blame them, and you definitely shouldn’t blame yourself. Mental illness is pretty misunderstood in general.
And you are absolutely right in that you need to be in a strong place mentally to deal with it. You cannot let a mentally unwell person run wild over you because it can completely destroy both partners’ lives. Ideally, in a well managed relationship, the unwell party can trust the well party to say “Hey. You’re getting unwell. We need to take actions to mitigate the damage.” The well party can provide a much needed anchor to reality that can reduce or even eliminate the damage we normally do to our relationships and lives.
Unfortunately, that leap is hard for some of us who’ve spent our lives alone in our minds, dealing with the chaos on our own terms.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Rick. I know it was a difficult decision for you. She probably knew that too.
http://www.ahrp.org/cms/content/view/645/9/
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I have added these website which also show cardiometabolic risks, citing correlation between heart disease and stroke and long term use of certain medication like . It is recommended one should get exercise, not smoke, and eat a proper balanced diet. Studies have shown that a diet rich in omega 3 oils found in fish can also be helpful.The four drugs in the study—Zyprexa (olanzapine), Risperdal (risperidone) Seroquel (quetiapine) and Abilify (aripiprazole have been cited.
These drugs have an impact on triglycerides in the blood.
I hope this information and these inks will help those afflicted live a healthier and happy life
Hello Grimm,
Thank you for the comments, and to Jenny and J for sharing their insight. One thing I wanted to point out was the fact that with my girlfriend, I attempted to take a more holistic approach to her disorder in addition to the medication and therapy she was on. I believe she had suffered abuse in various forms when she was younger too . The holistic approach was rather simple. Diet and exercise in addition to physical activity.
She loved going to the batting cages as she had played softball when growing up. We also would often go to the driving range and hit a couple bucket of balls. To liven things up, we tried to tag the shielded and caged cart which retrieves the balls. They told me everyone did that, and i had thought we were unique .chuckles.
This approach gave what ever aggressive tendencies she might be feeling during an unwell period an acceptable release, while also giving her physical exercise. After a light lunch, we were both good to go. I also was able to enjoy her more, as she seemed more herself. I think the exercise route may also be a good approach as well, for those that don’t have a physical issue that might prevent that.
This approach seemed to alleviate some of her worst symptoms, but didn’t make the problem go away. I think taking control of your disorder and not letting it control you is the way to go, and it seems people here have a handle on that.
Thank you Rick, I agree. A healthy diet and excercise is crucial to maintaining good mental health. I use to run 50 miles a week though.. Which was excessive! So everything in moderation. My psychiatrist was concerned I was running myself into a manic episode! The truth was I was already in it! I do love to run though and if excercise is not obsessed about and the person does try a variety of persuits.. Great!
Interestingly enough I stopped drinking caffeine soft drinks 2 weeks ago. I use to drink 2 litres of diet cola a day! I stopped because I started to suspect it was keeping me in a heightened state of anxiety and agitation. It has really helped quitting!
@Jenny: I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve noticed that many of us need to have some sort of crisis that allows us to hit rock bottom to finally throw away our notions on what we think works and embrace just getting better. Even if you’re still struggling now, I can tell by your mentality and advice that your mind is in the right place to push towards recovery. As you might imagine, I spend quite a bit of time talking to people like you and I. What they say between the lines often provides an unique narrative about their mental state and coping capabilities. It seems your grief was the catalyst you needed.
Don’t hesitate to reach out if you want to talk or ask any other specific questions. Going through this crap seemingly “alone” is pretty difficult. I’d venture to guess that there are more Bipolars where you live; they just may not be diagnosed or realize it. I think it was NAMI that said 1 in 64 people fall in the Bipolar spectrum. People just don’t talk about it.
I’m on lithium too. I’d sacrifice my thyroid for it. I can’t imagine going back to how unstable I used to be. Speaking of which- why are you still on lithium if you’re still having these massive destructive unwell periods? Any reason you haven’t tried anything else? A mood stab is supposed to keep you from reaching that extreme- if it doesn’t then it’s not working.
@Rick: Physical exertion is a great way to work out some of the energy. When I was manic, I used to life weights until my various body parts just gave out- which probably wasn’t all that healthy but yeah. I feel it was a better choice than beating the shit out of someone.
I know a lot of people beat the drum for holistic/natural approaches; but I don’t put a great focus on it. Psych medication is supposed to eliminate mood swings altogether. If a person can get their mood swings into a manageable state with a holistic approach; that’s awesome. The problem is that there is really nothing keeping that person from reaching an extreme again like medication does. When you’re on a good mood stabilizer, it’s like you hit a ceiling and your brain just won’t advance farther. Same deal with an antidepressant and the lower end.
I’m not saying everyone should jump on the med train. Just that a natural/holistic approach is going to guarantee a severe unwell period down the road when the right catalyst comes along. Something will push that person into extremes and there won’t be a “safety net” there to keep them from screaming into unwellness.
Thanks Dennis, I’m on 600mg of lithium, and currently 50mg of seroquel. I am meant to be on 25 mg but I boost it quite a bit when I notice I’m getting ill. The reason I know I’m getting ill usually is because I have major anxiety kicking in first, nightmares, no sleep and agitation just for starters. I don’t always spot it though. My psychiatrist trusts me to spot it, and I work in medicine so I’m more aware. My last 5 episodes were caused by medication in some way.
The last one in April was clarithromycin which is an antibiotic for pneumonia which I had. But it interacts with seroquel and I have recently found out it can cause manic episodes. I also had a lithium induced psychosis 5 years ago because my lithium was too high, a full manic episode induced by an antidepressant, one by a contraceptive pill, and one by being given a steroid!
Outwith those times my tolerance to stress has been pretty good, and my current medication has kept me stable otherwise.
I absolutely agree with what you said about Lithium being worth the thyroid! I’m walking proof! I stayed on it but having worked alone well for about 9 years it needed some help from seroquel to keep me steady!
Aye, at present I’m on 900 mg of lithium carbonate. I still sometimes have very minor escalations but they are manageable so I haven’t asked to increase to 1200 even though I’m still under the appropriate blood therapeutic level. I’m probably also 2-3 times bigger than you too hence the dosage to medicate an elephant. (I’m 6’4″ and about 350 LOL) I take citalopram as well for the depression.
My manic symptoms are pretty clear as well when I start going up. I get obnoxiously arrogant, I can’t string together thoughts correctly, and I can’t sleep longer than three hours a night but am never tired. If those things start coming up then I start paying more attention to my own mood swings.
And a support group can be pretty helpful if you find a good one. If it turns out to be a crappy one, don’t let it turn you off to them. I’ve seen good ones that were valuable places of neutrality for people and others where everyone seemed to be in an ass-pat-fest to excuse their actions yet do nothing to change them.
You might want to check the http://www.dbsalliance.org website to see if they have any sponsored groups in your area (if you’re in the US). If you’re not, there may be consumer groups wherever you live that sponsor some as well.
Ps. Thanks coming on here really has helped
and if I think of any questions I will definitely ask! I have found a local support group.. Coming on here has definitely been a catalyst for me wanting to give the group a try.
Grimm.
You have more experience that I do as an observer. Forgive me if i made it sound like a holistic approach was better. As Jenny mentioned the exercise regimen worked for her. I should clarify that with my girlfriend at the time, it seemed like a conglomeration of things seemed to help, such as proper medication and Physician care, good diet, proper sleep at regular times and of course physical activities as tolerated. I do know the medications in the proper doses were crucial. I know in her case though, it seemed to be a delicate balancing act. Hopefully your experiences and that of others in clinical trials can help create better medications and dosage rates.
@ Jenny. The caffeine is bad even if you are not bipolar. I had to practically give up coffee as it had an adverse effect on my sleeping patterns, not to mention staining my favorite joe camel mug, lol. Hopefully you noticed an improvement without the caffeine and sugar. Thank again for the insight and info, to the both of you.