The Joys of Depression

There are not a whole lot of things in this world that I hate, but depression and the depressive side of the Disorder is definitely a big one. A major determination in my Social Security Disability hearing was the feeling that my depressive component more closely resembles a Major Depression as opposed to regular. That was odd to me at first, I tend to view myself as a fairly self-aware individual. The hypomania I’m familiar with. But that leads me to wonder what regular depression is more like?

A deeper depression does explain a lot. There are times when I will go weeks without showering because I just don’t care. Even then, when I do pull myself in its less about getting clean and more about getting my scalp to quit itching. I’ve gone days without eating before just because I don’t care. I’ll  go out of my way to avoid social contact because I’m apathetic to human interaction and do not have the energy to waste effort on it.

I will even hit spells where I sit here, look at my medication, and just don’t take it because “fuck it who cares?”. I know I should have been taking it. I know how it’ll affect me if I don’t. I know how bad of an idea it is to just not take it. But there are still times that I fall into that mentality for as much as I harp about people taking responsibility about their medication commitment. I do fail to live up to mine on occasion. I point it out because I want everyone that reads my words to understand that even though I know how important it is, I still get depressed enough to utterly not give a shit.

People that don’t experience depression and try to relate always amuse (or irritate) me. I can remember three times in my adult life that I have felt happy with no hint of depression or hypomania. Three. The first was when I was incorrectly diagnosed as a depressive and put on wellbutrin with no mood stabilizer. There was a day when I felt good as I transitioning from depression to rocketing into hypomania. The second time was when I was diagnosed Bipolar. That lasted a good few hours. The third time was realizing that I was only feeling sad after trying a new medication when my ex-Fiancee informed me she found someone. I went from extremely sad about the situation to extremely happy that I was feeling sad without the void, no depression! That was when I started on prozac which now doesn’t work worth a shit for me again.

Then there’s the assholes that chime in with “Oh do you think everyone’s happy and that’s what life is about or something?” Yes, yes it is. Because if given the choice between living destitute in the gutter without depression or living in luxury in a mansion with it; I would opt for the gutter. Humans are not meant or wired to feel this muted, bastardized version of an emotional spectrum. If I thought for a second I would have to live mired in depression for the rest of my life, I’d kill myself now and get it over with.

But I don’t think that. And I’m not going to let idiots tell me what I know to not be true. I have hope there will be something better for me as I move forward. Now to try yet another antidepressant…

“I hurt myself today, to see if I could feel.

I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.

The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting.

Tried to kill it all away, but I remember everything.” – Nine Inch Nails “Hurt” (cover by Johnny Cash is excellent)

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2 Responses to The Joys of Depression

  1. I am not bipolar, but sometimes depressed.
    Depressed because someone I truly love is diagnosed to have bipolar disorder, and I don`t understand how it`s like to live with this disorder. When and how did it start?
    Could I have done any ting to help when he was younger?
    Thoughts like that are going through my head all the time. I read articles like yours, I learn a little more every day, but I am still left in the dark – pushed away from him.
    Hope is that he someday will tell me all he knows about this and that is quite a lot.
    I miss him! I am sad. 🙁
    – Kurt

    • Hello Kurt. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

      Bipolar Disorder is commonly believed to start with genetics. A combination of circumstances can cause that person to start cycling. Here is the problem, it is a very personal illness. We do have symptoms that we share, but we experience them differently. Just as an example. Take a Catholic and an Atheist who are both Bipolar. If both ramp up into mania and experience Delusions, they will experience it in ways that make sense to them. The Catholic may believe he is being whispered to by Saints, Christ, or God. The Atheist may believe whispers he is hearing could be from people that are following him. Both are delusions, but fairly different. So, it is impossible for me to give you specifics on the person in your life. All I can give you is a general idea, and your pursuit of a wide base of knowledge will help in a lot of ways.

      It is very typical for Bipolar Disorder to emerge during puberty. The drastic hormonal back and forth plays a big role in kicking it in. However, that’s not the only way. Children with Bipolar Disorder is not unheard of.

      Is there anything you could have done? No. Doctors can’t even figure out a universal approach. It is entirely unfair to attempt to shoulder any blame for that. Genetics play a major role and that’s nothing you can control.

      I don’t entirely know the reasons that created the division between you and your loved one. As a Bipolar, our interpretation of reality may get entirely skewed out of proportion. So he may be harboring misinterpretations which is keeping him away. I really recommend attempting to make contact with him to try and open lanes of communication.

      I want you to understand something. If you do, do not apologize or take responsibility for his situation. It is not your fault. The only person that can get him on the path to wellness is him. If you apologize, you’re opening a lane for him to place blame on you. If he places blame on you and is unwell, that can get magnified and twisted. Thus, you want to stay grounded in reality.. straight and to the point. So something like, “I love you. If you’ll give me the opportunity, I would like to reconnect and get to know the man you are now.”

      Small steps will likely get you there. You don’t need to ask about the Disorder or any of that right now. Instead, work on reestablishing trust and rapport. Once that is rebuilt, more personal things will follow.

      My approach is certainly not the norm. I’m both High-Functioning Autistic and Bipolar. I don’t have the social mechanisms that allow me to feel accepted. So talking about the times I played Russian Roulette or ate from a dumpster to survive really don’t phase me because I don’t care how the people around me will view that. Many people however, want to keep it quiet and try to live as normally as they can manage. So coming right out and trying to jump into it works about as well as asking people about their fetishes. It doesn’t.

      Don’t be passive on it though, Kurt. You never know if/when “too late” may come.

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